Scribblings of Robs

17 Oct 2011

Why I Shouldn’t Watch Contagion

Contagion is hitting our screens soon. It’s a film about a germ I think. A deadly germ that spreads itself around and kills everyone. Despite the all-star cast, I do not think I should go and see this film because frankly I am already a bit abnormal about germs. And yes I know germs are good and we need them, but that doesn’t mean I have to go and roll around in them.

I really don’t like public bathrooms [malls, restaurants, cinemas]. You can think I’m a complete snob, but I don’t know anyone who walks around proclaiming their love for the public lavatory. You see, it all started after I had my emergency appendectomy in 2009. I became a complete germa-phobe due to irrational paranoia brought about by my ridiculous belief that somehow a germ would cause my appendix to grow back and I’d have to relive the whole awful experience. I am aware that I am not a starfish, that this is not even remotely possible and that I now sound certifiable.

I’ve gotten a lot better. It used to include taps, door handles, lift buttons, escalators, staircase rails and restaurant tables.

Now it’s just public bathrooms.

I used to be fine about public bathrooms. I’ve used sanitation facilities [stretching the definition here] in Botswana, Namibia and China Proper. And I’m not talking Hong Kong here [ fyi this is not China proper, this is China sprinkled with Western fairy dust]. I’m talking about the China where even the local McDonalds considered stall doors and toilet paper unnecessary luxuries. Thank god I have a mother who is prepared like that. We always had tissues.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love China. My Dad worked there for about ten years and I’ve really seen a lot of it. But before you hop off to visit it, kill any romantic notions you have about the public loo stone dead. Take tissues with you. Don’t drink out of the taps. And be prepared for the fact that people do spit [even in Hong Kong, EVEN in the expensive, fancy-pants areas]. On reflection, the spitting was probably the biggest culture shock for me. But after the initial shock I was fine. Someone could stand right next to me and deposit their spit on the pavement …and teenage Robs wouldn’t even bat an eyelid.

This was all pre-appendectomy of course.

Midway through 2011, I used a public bathroom in Zanzibar. [The pic above is not the bathroom in this story. It is just a cool picture]. I loved Zanzibar, but East African toilets are not for the faint hearted.

I blame Fae for this. We were on our way to Stone Town. It was a zillion degrees. It was humid. It was the only approved bathroom stop we would make on the entire 2 hour tour. Traveller Robs was aware of what to expect and because of this, post-appendectomy Robs didn’t want to go. But how could I let a good friend navigate through that ordeal alone? So I decided I would have to selflessly sacrifice myself, push aside my fears and accompany her  in order to provide emotional support.

Plus my pea-sized bladder couldn’t cope with all the juice I’d drunk on the bus trip.

To call it rudimentary would be paying it a compliment. It smelled like several things had bathed in urine and then died in the rafters. It was filled with spiders and the floor was slippery and wet. When I realised I was in slip slops, I pretty much considered cutting both my feet off and just leaving them there to quietly decompose. We survived, but I did promise Fae that we would never speak of this again. I lied. [Never trust a blogger].

This experience plus appendectomy-phobia has done nothing but increase my levels of emotional instability in public bathrooms.

To combat this instability, I have invented a theory. [I have several]. I believe that I am able to minimise my exposure to germs by  always picking the furthest stall. I like to think that people are innately lazy, so they will always choose the closest stall. I’ve always been quietly smug about this theory. Ha! I’m minimising my exposure to germs, aren’t I clever.

But yesterday, I walked out of the Waterfront bathrooms and it occured to me… what if other people [more loons like me] use this theory as well ?! What if the closest stall is actually the less-used stall.

Right. This post has affirmed that I am crackers. I cannot go and watch Contagion. Watching the undisputed power of the germ play out on the big screen will end me.